Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Hard Day's Night

I've not been posting much lately as my Clark Kent job had me working 1900-0700 for the last three days. I don't sleep much usually, so I was alright the first couple nights. But then I turned out needing sleep, and it was bad. Something about 12-16 hour days. Now the people at the top get the craziest hours, 16 hours or more, stress and such. However, I'm back on day shift, 0700-1900, so that's good.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Gov's visit part 2

I get done with the training about 0900. Something about first aid, I think.
I go to the barracks and wait for instructions.
Waiting for instructions constitutes a good part of my day.
Around 1100 I leave the barracks and get to do something.
I'm Sgt. Pond's second cameraman, following the VIPs as they tour our barracks.
A bunch of high ranks walk the VIPs around our WW2 era barracks in an attempt to convince a bunch of businessmen, some local pols, and a couple Freedom riders that we live in the lap of utmost luxury.
"This barracks is like all the other ones," they say as they stand upon the shiniest floor I've ever seen. "Actually, we only brought you to this one because it's on the way to the chow hall."

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Governor's Visit

We were at a meeting.
The Governor and a bunch of DVs (Distinguished Visitors) are coming.
This is pretty important, so Lt. Marchik took out his marker and walked us through a block drill.

A block drill is a visual walk-through of where and when everyone is going to be, just like Patton and all those other movies where generals move divisions around a map of Europe with their riding crops.

Sgt. Roos is to go to the airport, take photos of the Governor, take photos at the Fest Tent, take pictures of the Governor's tour through the BCTC, acquire a book signing with Vince Flynn, take pictures of the Governor and Vince Flynn, take photos of lunch, go to the chapel, take picture of the town hall meeting, and then go the airport and take pictures of the Gov leaving.

Sgt. Houtkooper is to go to the airport, take video of the Governor, edit on the way to the Chapel where he will set up the cameras for the town hall meeting which he will upload to DVIDs and then send to NPR.

Sgt. Pond is to take pictures of the Fest Tent, and then go back the barracks, where he will take pictures of DVs touring our barracks. Then Pond is to take pictures of DVs having lunch in the barracks before going to the Chapel for the town hall meeting. Afterwards he will take pictures of the Gov and Soliders hobnobbing.

Sgt. Jungels will go to the golf course, where a long drive competition has been set up for Soldiers to impress some DVs, of which he will take both photos and video. After lunch, he is to go to the town hall meeting.

Lt. Marchik will pick up the AP reporter, and otherwise drive people around until the town hall meeting.

Spc. Angelo will take video of the Gov in the airport, then follow the DVs as they see our barracks before going to the town hall meeting. Editing en route to everywhere, the finished product will be transmitted by 1430.

Sgt. Kemp will drive people around and also there's a television station doing a documentary roving around so he will also take care of that.

As of the meeting I was not assigned to anything. I had training.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Around the Office: Pfc. Cassinos

When I started out these profiles, my intent was to highlight how the Army is not composed of ignorant hillbilly grunts and blowhard red-tape lovin' officers and whatever other stereotypes you have out there.

For example, Pfc. Stephanie Cassinos.

Soon-to-be Specialist Cassinos was an art school brat with a punk band called the Sold-outs. Now she's 23 with two song credits and the National Anthem at a Timberwolves game under her belt. (Coincidently, former Memphis Grizzly and current Minnesota Timberwolf Mike Miller has the same haircut as Pfc. Cassinos. Perhaps Cassinos, a Sharpshooter, could give Miller a few tips on his shot.)

She's currently on leave, taking care of her mother, as chronicled in her blog, which is creative in ways this link is not.

A Canadian (Quick edit: Not actually Canadian) and a big-sister figure, she fits our unit's Five Man Band.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Shooting (with a weapon)

They say that working for the Army is like working for the post office, but with weapons.

Which is the truth, to an extent.

But another, truthier truth is that since Basic Training at Fort Benning, I have not really had much to do with weapons.

Which is scary, in more ways than one.

I can handle the weapon. I could field strip my M-16 in 45 seconds at Basic.

But when I get up there on the range and the man in the tower loudspeaker says "Targets up...watch...your lane" I go to a bad place.

I barely qualified at Basic. Everything was going great and I had the highest PT score and the drill sergeants were propping me up in front of the company and I got to fire the live claymore but then there came weapons qualification.

You need to qualify to graduate.

Everyone else hit their targets and I didn't.

Maybe it's because I'm a right-handed but shoot lefty because I'm left-eye dominant.

Maybe it's because when shooting lefty you get hit hit in the lip with the forward assist and you start bleeding and you get a the gigantic cut on your lip and the drill sergeants make jokes about herpes.

But what occured was for the first time at Basic I felt that there was a genuine possibility I would not make it.

That's why it shocked me when I got chosen for the SAW machine gun.

"But Sergeant Kemp, I barely qualified on the M-16. And shooting a SAW is harder. It's a machine gun."

"I know, but I sure ain't sending an NCO out there."

So I went.

The first day Spec. Angelo and I sat through class.

I mostly took pictures.

The next day we loaded onto a bus for Range 93.

I took out my camera and the range guys said, "Hey Lawrence, can you shoot pictures better than you shoot weapons?"

My reputation preceded me.

And it was well-founded. I got up there on the line and I couldn't see. I could not see the targets. It got worse with the gas mask. I strained and blinked and turned this way and that, but I could not see. The mask and the fear closed in on me. My breathing was quick. Too quick. They told me I was done and I sprung up and grabbed my mask and wrested it off as quick as I could just to get that thing off of me. But I kept breathing as if that mask was still on and my freaking failure began rising in my throat and I took a wobbly half-step lean before they got me. "Drink some water," they said and I was told to lay down. That was it for shooting that day for me.

In the Army there's a notion that you cannot speak of your weaknesses. You grin and bear it. Don't whine but fix it yourself. hooah. Hooah. HOOAH! Perhaps someday an admission of weakness won't be seen as an admission of guilt. And whether or not that new Army thing they got going works or doesn't work, I'll work on shooting because it could someday save my battle buddies. I just have to slay a few demons along the way.

I got my story that day. Took some pictures, etc. The range guys felt sorry for me I guess, so they let me on the guard tower so I could have a better vantage point. The head range guy, a Captain who just got back from Iraq, gave us a briefing on life down range. "The units there will try to give you their weapons to get it off their books. There'll be M-9's everywhere. There's no way you guys are going to shoot these SAWs down there."

Huh. I found out weeks later that the Army records say I qualified anyway.

Around the Office: Sgt. Kemp

Chances are, you know Sgt. Kemp. And if you don't, he'll get to you. Leave a seat open when you're eating lunch, and chances are you and Sgt. Kemp will get to talking. For hours. A former recruiter, so that makes sense. Was an infantryman who went to Fort Benning, where if I remember my time at Benning correctly, he did mostly this. NCOIC of the unit. (Non-commissioned officer in charge.) Sports fan. Thick thick Minnesota accent. I promised him that I would not use this photo for his profile, but I did.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My Childhood

Well, we've been real busy the past couple of days and I haven't been able to post anything. So, as an apology, I shall talk about my childhood.

When I was young I remember seeing Warren Buffet tell an anecdote about his childhood. I don't exactly remember the anecdote, but I do recall thinking to myself "I should really think of an anecdote about my childhood so I have something worthwhile to say about it."

But I didn't.

MNSCU Conference

Here are some links for Soldiers interested in furthering their educational, career, financial or leadership goals while deployed. If anyone has found another site to be useful for them, feel free to share in the comments.

www.mnscu.edu and www.veteran.mnscu.edu
o For education information on all Minnesota state colleges and state universities. Includes links to Veterans Upward Bound, a free college-prep program funded by the U.S. Department of Education for eligible veterans.
o For assistance in career planning, skills assessment and higher education with a veterans' page
o National website for career information where veterans can match their military experience to civilian jobs, write a resume and convert U.S. Army training and experience into civilian workforce credentials. Includes links for military spouses.
o A virtual gateway for Soldiers to request Tuition Assistance (TA) online, distance learning, and eArmyU online college courses.
Army Continuing Education (ACE) Homepage
o A pilot program intended to help Soldiers find employment after they transition out of the Army.
AARTs Transcript
o Produce a computerized transcript system by combining a Soldier's military education and job experience with descriptions and college credit recommendations developed by the American Council on Education (ACE).
o An easy-to-navigate website to help with career, education, financial, leadership and personal goals
www.mymilitary education.org
o A higher education website for veterans. Soldiers can view a flowchart showing them to what benefits they are entitled, a list of scholarships for veterans and a checklist of things to do before taking college courses. In addition, Soldiers can talk to one of 12 regional coordinators and 57 campus veterans’ resource centers or at (1-800-456-8519).
o Get an online education online. A portal for online courses and programs offered by MNSCU’s 32 colleges and universities. Take a quiz to see if online courses are right for you.
o An electronic portfolio designed to showcase your education, career and personal achievements
o This site includes higher education financial aid information including the new Minnesota GI Bill
o National website sponsored by the U.S. Department of Education. Most financial aid starts with completing a Free Application for Federal Student Aid.
o For transfer information into and out of Minnesota, Wisconsin and North Dakota colleges and universities with a page devoted to military information

Sunday, March 15, 2009

An Introvert

I'm pretty introverted for an aspiring journalist.
When I signed up to be a military journalist I didn't know I signed up to be a professional social butterfly.
Because if you don't talk to people, you don't get stories.
But when you have to talk to people...
It's hard, sometimes, to talk to people, new people, higher ranking people.
My eyes drop to the ground. I start busying myself with some task. I think of ice-breakers in futility. I smile ackwardly and then resume the silence. My jaw tightens and my shoulders clench and my stomach closes in on itself like a pufferfish in reverse.
It's hard.
So the other day I made up my mind: I shall sit next to a complete stranger and get their story.
I did the first part.
I smile ackwardly, all that.
But then I hesitated for a bit.
And thirty seconds later I decided that well it's too late now.
For the next twenty minutes we ate in silence.
I had carrots and rice and chicken, I think.

Around the Office: Sgt. Pond

Sgt. Pond talks like a surfer, has turtle. Deployed once, served as photo editor. Catchphrase appears to be "Suck my balllls!" Like your older brother's cool friend. He and Sgt. Roos known as "Hans and Franz" for some reason. Strange diet. From Hawaii, where cool stuff happens.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


I hate meetings.
Our job is so rush rush run go and then we put put screech to a halt so we can sit around in a circle and listen to everyone talk about what we would be doing if we weren't in a meeting.
Then cabin fever creeps in on you.
As the meetings go on and on you get jumpier and jumpier like the world is compressing down unto you as you're imprisoned in that stifling circle jail of folding chairs until you feel your world is need of a great big, groaning yaaaaaawn! and you just want to run out and jump and do something besides sit in a meeting learning about what the LT has to do today.
By the way I've been reading On the Road, can you tell?

Friday, March 13, 2009

Around the Office: Sgt. Roos

Sgt. Joe Roos

Sgt. Roos is like that cool older brother. Has a rap album out on iTunes. Featured on Fox before we deployed. Talks, acts sharp. PTs like a madman.

A day's work

One day all I did was copy paper.
A 500 page manual.
Three times.
Ran out of paper twice.
The printer broke twice.
Was able to fix the printer once.
An hour and a half of my life...being a private sucks.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Around the Office: Sgt. Jungels

It's about time to meet my battle buddies in the 34th Red Bull Infantry Division's Public Affairs Office.

Sgt. Eric Jungels
Sgt. Jungels has always struck me as a refugee from the Marine Corps. He's new to the unit like me, but has previously deployed with Central Command to Iraq, Qatar, Afganistan, etc. Good with Photoshop, he got Flanderized and all he did was graphic design for an entire week. Says he doesn't put too much effort into photos but had one of his Afganistan photos on the cover of a book. Stays up late at night laughing at things on his iPod.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My first pro photo shoot part 8

I uploaded the photos. One of them I liked, but it featured a girl with bangs hanging over her face. Frankly, I think out-of-regulations hair is hot, but bangs are a no-go in the military. It is not the Army's policy that soldiers show individuality.
"Maybe her hair is normally squared-away and just fell over her face for prayer," said Pfc. Cassinos.
"No no no," I said. "I've seen her around. Those are definately not prayer bangs."
We discussed.
Then we decided.
We'll run it. Those unsquared-away bangs tell a freaking story, so, uh, screw the rules!

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Mass Pictures

These are the photos that came out of the shoot.
To see them in high resolution click the slide show or go here.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

My first pro photo shoot Part 7

“Here’s the list of shots I want,” said Pfc. Cassinos at the chapel.
It’s Ash Wednesday, and I’m the second cameraman.
I looked over the list.
“Shots of people praying. Shots of crowded church. Shots of people receiving the ash.”
The lighting in the church was awful. We turned our ISOs way up and our shutter speeds way down. The pictures get blurrier as our shutter speeds get lower.
“Don’t take pictures while people are praying. Don’t disrupt,” Captain Joyner said.
I tip-toed, I sneaked, I took extreme close-ups of people’s faces, I took pictures behind the alter, and I realized I don’t know when people are praying and when they are not.
Pfc. Cassinos was in the back with the other camera.
She said she’s uncomfortable taking pictures in a church.
I told her I’m uncomfortable too, but only because of all the people making angry faces at me.

My first pro photo shoot Part 6

Capt. Joyner spoke up.
“Pfc. Lawrence, this is called a softball. This is your easy mark.”
Yes. She said that in front of the interviewee.
I asked why soldiers drone, what being a chaplain in a warzone is like, and he talked about the theologians that came out of WWII and muskies in fish tanks.
The whole time, I was thinking “What’s the focus! Where am I going with this? Why didn’t I prepare better? Wait! What did he say? Quick, say something!”
The Chaplain seemed to goad me on.
“You know, I haven’t heard any hard questions from you today.”
Aww! and that question about whether soldiers get more religious in Iraq was so hard-hitting!
At the end of the interview, the Captain said something to me about a photo shoot later in the day.
I didn’t really hear her. I was in a sort of daze, drawing muskies.

My first pro photo shoot Part 5

Quick! What’s your best question! Is that what he said?
“Uh…I was wondering, I know this is a stupid question; it’s off the topic, but, why do animals feel pain?”
At this point Capt. Joyner looked at me with the strangest expression, like the way a mother looks after her kid asks for that extra piece of free candy.
“You see, I’ve heard all the arguments on human suffering, and I understand them, or I understand their intent, at least, but animals; they don’t have a soul, and pain – there’s no reason for them to have pain, because they have no souls to refine trhough pain, and they have no sentient thought, so I guess they can sin, but they get punished anyway…and umm…unm…”
Wait for it. Wait for it. There!
“and umm…sir, when soldiers ask you these questions, what do you tell them; how do you approach them?”
Haha! Wiggled out of that one.
“Well, the same way I’m going to go through this question with you,” the Chaplain said. And he did.

My first pro photo shoot Part 4

The Chaplain was very media savvy. He answered honestly too. When Pfc. Cassinos asked if soldiers get more religious in Iraq, I knew she wanted the Chaplain to say sound bite friendly cliché like ‘there’s no atheists in the foxhole’ or the like.
Instead, he said that when he was in Fallujah, about a third of the soliders got more religious, about a third jettison their faith, and about a third drone through by filling their lives with video games, movies and Facebook.
I found this a balanced and insightful observation, and one that is definitely not going in Pfc. Cassino’s story.
Things started to wind down, and then out of the blue the Chaplain looks to me.
“So young man, I haven’t heard much from you. What’s your best question?”


My first pro photo shoot Part 3

“What’s the story about?” I asked Cassinos.
“The Archbishop is coming,” she said.
“Are you asking the questions?”
We finally found the Chaplain’s office, and after about ten minutes, the Chaplain.
He sat down and we three surrounded him.
“Do you want the door open? Because my office should really have the door open in case a soldier wants to talk to me,” said the Chaplain.
Pfc. Cassinos asked her questions, and I took notes on what she did, like the way she put the chaplain at ease, the way she made sure that the recorder worked, and the way the way she fixes her teeth into a permanent smile and juts her head out while tilting it side to side like a demented jack-in-the box.

My first pro photo shoot Part 2

I was soon called away to help Pfc. Cassinos with her story.
It was on the Archbishop of the Army coming to Fort Lewis. This is a huge deal, since 40% of the troops are Catholic.
Step one was to interview the Chaplain.
I had some questions ready when I met up with Capt. Joyner and Pfc. Cassinos in the chapel.
“Where’s the Chaplain?”
“In his office.”
“Where’s that?”
“I don’t know.”
We set off to find the Chaplain.

My first pro photo shoot Part 1

“I don’t want to insult you,” said the Colonel, “but you’re new. Everyone else in the unit has had experience on putting product out, so at first, at least, you’re going to have to shadow people on their stories.”
I was fine with this arrangement. I had helped Sgt. Roos out with his story on the deployment ceremony, so I figured that now I’d be like some sort of apprentice/intern.

As long as I don’t end up manning the copy machine all day.

Red Bull Bullets

Deployed military personnel in all branches who are residents of Minnesota qualify for free state and federal individual income tax return preparation for 2008 tax returns. The MNCPA guys have giving free tax services for the past five years for deployed soldies and their spouses, so be sure to check it out before April 15.
A lenghty article explaining the history of the dual nature of the National Guard. "In 1903, Congress passed the Dick Act, which began the process of federalizing the National Guard. Rep. Charles Dick's bill divided the American adult male population, other than those serving on active duty, into two categories: (1) the National Guard (the organized militia), and (2) the Reserve Militia (the unorganized militia, all other able-bodied adult male citizens)."
The Pioneer Press does an feature on a deploying solider. This is almost exactly the model we were taught.
1. Gimmick
2. What you're story is about
3. Facts
4. Gimmicky Tie-back.
Now, just because the formula is there doesn't hide the fact that the story is awesome. But once you know the formula you'll never read newspapers the same again.
A story on Sgt. Wonderlich. I've met Sgt. Wonderlich, and this is a nice, if clunky, story.

The story of my first story part 4

Later in the day we do the photo shoot.
A lot of officers there.
They line up in front of the statue of Iron Mike. I’m too intimidated to tell them to back away so I can get them and the mountain in the shot, so I just shoot.
I realize all I have is freaking posed pictures. I try to get the officers in candid poses. Luckily, they all seem to genuinely like each other, so they have a lot of fun hashing over the Lake story while I take photographs.
I get some more quotes, and plug them into the story.
One of the officers in the story is freaking commander of the battalion.
I hope he doesn’t object to me painting him as a fun-loving guy.
So here it is. Just 24 hours after I got the assignment I was done.

The story of my first story part 3

The next day I came to the interview with Lt. Col. Miller. Pfc. Cassinos, the only other private in the unit, was my backup. I started by trying to get that anecdote. Without some color, this story is nothing.
There. There's the anecdote. Apparently at the MMA, they once all jumped in the lake and screwed around before getting comically smoked.
It's something.
I prod him. I want details. I start assembling my gimmicky tie-back. I get background info. It's going good. At the end of the interview, he stops me."
"Make sure that the story isn't just about me."
I had a whole paragraph reserved for him.
I mumble, ramble.
"Umm, no sir. It will be about the whims of life. Time as a circle. Life goes around and then there you are, in improbable circumstances you'd never think possible...um...sorry sir."
Not a good ending.

The story of my first real story Part 2

Several hours later, I got the answer.
"Class 33. Apparently all these officers graduated from the same class and are now all deploying to Iraq together."
When's it due?
"Well, the photo shoot is scheduled for tommorow."
Huh. I call Lt. Col. Miller. He's my source. Seems like a good guy.
Before I go to sleep I write how my story is going to go.

1. Humorous school-day anecdote
2. What the story is about
3. Facts about the Minnesota Military Academy
4. How Lt. Col Miller's career went after MMA
5. Quirky/gimmicky tie-back

This story has mucho potential for boring.

The story of my first real story part 1

What do they call tyro cub reporters?
Fresh meat or something like that?

I got my assignment:
"You're doing the Minnesota Military Academy," said Sgt. Kemp, who is the boss of my boss, Sgt. Roos.
"You're doing the Minnesota Military Academy story with Lt. Col. Miller." Then Sgt. Kemp left.
Now what?
Do I have to go back to Minnesota?
I go to google.
There is no Minnesota Military Academy. Apparently it doesn't exist anymore.
What the heck is going on? I wondered.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Notes from Basic

This is a letter I wrote in Basic Training during the summer of 2008 to a buddy of mine.

Dear Brian,
On the day before I left for Basic, the commander of my Minnesota National Guard Unit called me. First he invited me to a Twins game later that evening. I politely declined; it was too great a distance on such short notice. So then he invited me to Iraq in January. I told him that I had college-first non-deployable status for two years.
This was news to him. He switched me to a PFC Cassinos, who had waived her non-deployable status earlier in the year and who had been instructed to seduce me into doing the same. We shot the bull for a while, and eventually she asked me if I was going to be “relaxin’ at Ft. Jackson.” I told her that I had been under the impression that I was, but alas, Ft. Benning, home of the infantry. She paused.
“Oh, so you’re going to the hard one.”
Everyday I think about how much easier I would have had it at Ft. Jackson. I’d be having milk and cookies every night and be sleeping in every day, probably.
However, we do get to do some high-speed shit here at Ft. Benning. So far, I’ve shot the M16A4, the M203 grenade launcher, the M2 .50 cal MG, the M249 SAW, the M240B MG, the MR19 automatic grenade launcher, and the AT-4 anti-tank missile.
I’ve thrown hand grenades, detonated a claymore, survived tear gas, rappelled off an eighty foot wall, used close quarter optics red dot sights, administered an IV, and learned how to land nav, how to administer combat first aid, and how to clear a room.
Our company, Delta Company, started out with about 240 soldiers, although three have gone AWOL and one of those three is now in Mexico.
The company is divided into four platoons, each with three drill sergeants.
My platoon, 2nd Platoon Maddogs, has fifty-eight soldiers, half of whom are still in High School. There are 29 different states represented and over 33 different MOS’s, with one heat stroke idiot who’s going home, one suicidal who prompted a federal investigation, three idiots we kicked out of the platoon, one forty year old mid-life crisis who steals candy and does whatever he wants, six idiots who gave each other jailhouse tattoos are now facing destruction of government property charges, and three perfect PT scores; one of them is mine.
The Army Physical Fitness Test is scored out of 300 and consists of two minutes of pushups, two minutes of situps, and a two mile run. At least 72 pushups, 78 situps, and then a 13 minute time are the requirements for a maximum Physical Training score.
The first APPT I did 91 pushups, 73 situps, and ran a 12:17 two mile. This was good enough for 292 points, which is not maximum but still the highest in the company. The second time I, along with two other privates, maxed out; I got 81 pushups, 78 situps, and ran a 12:04 two mile.
I got an Army Presidential Fitness Award patch and ice cream, plus if our platoon as a whole continues to score high on the PT tests, we should get Honor Platoon. Which is an honor, I guess.
Our platoon actually kicks ass, probably as a result of all the smokings we get from our senior drill sergeant, SFC Alan Barton. He is a ranger, a war hero who received the Bronze Star for valor for his work securing the first crash site during Blackhawk Down, a forty-five year old machine who still maxes out his PT tests, a father figure who treats us like men, and a living legend whom we all respect and for whom would probably take a bullet.
Our company as a whole has a very squared away cadre: we have three rangers, two SWAT commanders, the current and former drill sergeants of the year, the runner-up drill sergeant of the year, the current and former NCOs of the year, and the first female drill sergeant ever stationed at Ft. Benning.
But enough; I’ll leave ya with a few notes.
• How is Obama doing? What’s up with Russia? How are the Twins winning?
• I am definitely in the Army. The Army has two components: Active and Reserve. Reserve is then broken down into Reserve and National Guard. Believe me, the drill sergeants, and the paperwork people: I am Army.
• I’m not having any problems with authority. As a matter of fact I’m having troubles taking the initiative and not waiting to be told what to do.
• I am having troubles shooting, but I’ll be fine.
• America lost the Vietnam War. Deal with it.
“Why are you looking at me soldier? Why are you looking at me? Do you want to fuck me in the ass or something?”
“I am not the one you want private. Do you realize I’m so hard that I can stir my coffee with my dick?”
“Sorry Drill Sergeant? Are you calling me a sorry drill sergeant?”
“I’m going to skullfuck the shit of you with my knee, Private.”
“Yes? Yes what? Yes drill sergeant? Or yes motherfucker?”
“That’s as wrong as two boys kissing in church.”
“Privates, do you know the shortest point between two points? A straight line? Wrong! Haven’t you privates ever heard of Einstein? Here, take a piece of paper and draw two dots. Ok, now draw a line between the two. You see the distance? Now fold that paper over so that the two points touch. You see that distance now? It’s zero, privates! Curvilinear space! That’s a college education, privates!”
“I gotta piss so bad it’s like I have a piss boner.”
“Here’s a story privates. Private Loser goes on Myspace and finds himself some ugly ass chick. They go to dinner or something gay like that and she invites him to her apartment. It’s dark, and they’re fumbling around, and she asks him if he wants a handjob. He hands her his dick but then she says, “Sorry, but I don’t smoke.”
“You want an outrageous story? Fine, but you’ll have to listen to both parts. See, alright where I live there’s a town called Delhi, and it has like twenty people. I was working for some of those people, and they told me that there once was a mayoral election, and it was tied 10-10 or something like that. So what they did was flip a coin, and whoever won got the job. It was on the news and everything. Turns out though, the guy who won apparently sent a picture of himself to Playgirl Magazine. People were outraged and he was run out of town. Now I’m riding along with this girl a couple weeks later, and I tell her this story. At the end, she says, “Wait, that’s my dad.” So she pulls out that very issue of Playgirl Magazine out of her glove compartment, and sure enough, there’s the very naked picture of her father. I asked her, “Why the fuck do you have a naked picture of your father in the dashboard compartment of your car?” Turns out, her father got run out of Delhi so fast the only thing in the world she has to remember her father is that naked picture in Playgirl Magazine. And let me tell you, that girl was fucked.”
J. Prince Lawrence